Writing Away My Sadness....

My sister and I are not speaking.  I am angry, sad and pissed.  I feel sad and I know she does as well.  When I fight with her though, its not her.  We have never really fought.  She has always insprired in me in so many ways.  I know that when we fight now, I am fighting her disease.  She has never been disloyal, heartless or unforgiving.  But now she is somthing other than what I used to know.  She is leaving me just like my mom.  Right now I feel like she doesnt care about anything other than how she feels.  I feel like she cares less and less about the good things in life.  I know that its not her though.  I feel as though me speaking to her will make it go away.  It wont.  In true hinsight she is losing herself and she cant control it.  She has to watch my mom take the steps into the darkest part of the disease and watching this is making her angry because this is what her future holds.  She is watching out what will happen to her.  I cant imagine when looking out my mother I would be looking into a fun house mirror and see myself.  I dont know if I will have it but my sister does and all she needs now more than ever is my shoulder.  I am scared though.  Scared to admit the truth of my future with out her or my mom in it.  I cant imagine not being able to call my sister and talk to her about the daily gossip or to call her in tears because I had a bad day.  This will not go away and I have to admit that to myself and remeber that as of right now, I am not fighting with my sister, I am fighting the disease and trying to hold it back.  Being true to myself about our hand of cards we were dealt will help to move on with her and go through this process of decay.  I am burned inside and out, I am falling asleep with my thoughts and I wake up even more angry.  I dont know where to look or who to reach to.  I am lost but my sister and mom are more lost.